I'm in between jobs right now which has given me lots of time to think -- possibly too much time. Our probe will be done next month and then the entire IVF PGD process really begins. The anticipation of it all is really starting to get to me. I know the process is sometimes disappointing and emotional and I know that my body will be undergoing a lot of stress. The waiting is really getting to me.
The fact that this technology exists is incredible. I've said that a million times. And the fact that all of this temporary discomfort will guarantee that our bloodline will never have to worry about HD is mind-boggling. But the thought that 50% of our little embryos will be unusable is overwhelming. The HD gene positive embryos will be donated to science so that they can help bring some knowledge upon the world. I can't help but think that if this technology existed when I was born, I may not exist. The thought that 50% of our potentially (almost) perfect babies will never be born is heartbreaking. It's especially heartbreaking when you think of the possibility that IVF will be a struggle and it may take some time to get pregnant. I have to continue to remind myself that all of this only benefits our family and that S and I have to jump through a few hoops in order to benefit our children and grandchildren and on and on.
On top of that, the financial burden is pretty hefty. We have the option of either paying for one cycle or a discounted two cycles. It's a gamble because even if you pay for two cycles and only use one, you'll never get that money back. My doctor told me that because of my age and fertility, she'd almost put me in an "egg donor" category. That gives me some hope that we may only need one cycle. At the same time, you never know.
My mother stayed with us for a few days recently. She is still in there somewhere but it's become very apparent that the disease has started to take over. While she was here she took 4 or 5 naps a day. She was weak and dropped things. She could never stay still -- she was always kicking her legs or moving her hands or adjusting her body. She seems to finally be happy now that I've taken over responsibility. So that's good.
Her visit reinforced WHY we are doing this. I never want my children to go through what my mom is going through right now. Or, for that fact, what I may have to go through.