It's taken a minute, but I think the shock of all of this has worn off a bit. Thinking about the future for my mom and myself still scares me completely. The days of living carefree are gone. And I can't say that my life is back to normal because it will never be how it was before. However, I can say that life has settled.
Even though I'm not physically with my mom everyday, there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about her needs. I've started to find some sort of a balance. If she can accomplish one small task each day and I take the time to focus her and believe in her, we are in a good place. I've learned it's all about baby steps.
The last few months have forced me into caregiver mode. I've spent most of my twenties wondering when I was going to feel like an adult. Well, I'm there. I'm a stronger person than I was before. My priorities are where they should be. I told S that, in a way, I'm almost glad that all of this is happening now because by the time we have babies, I'll be the most patient person in the world.
I used to think that people were out of their minds when they said that everything happens for a reason. Now, I think I'm a little closer to believing that. Honestly, my life before the diagnosis seems like a blur. I feel like I was just floating through. Now, I'm starting chapter two. And, chapter two has the potential to be something great. Yes, Huntington's Disease is in my life because of genetics, but maybe it's also in my life for a greater purpose. Maybe my role in this crazy world is to help raise awareness for this devastating disease. And maybe I was dealt this hand because I can handle it and it will make me and my family stronger.
If I had read my last paragraph a year ago, I would have said that it sounds delusional. I would like to think that I have always been a logical person and before all of this I found it very hard to believe in any type of religion. Now, I still don't know what I believe in, but I'm working on finding out.