My test is tomorrow. I haven't really been thinking about it because the test itself doesn't scare me. The results do. I'm actually feeling relieved that after tomorrow the test will be over and I will be that much closer to knowing my future. I don't understand how other at-risk people just go about their lives not knowing. But I guess that's not for me to understand.
The other reason why I haven't been worrying about my test so much is that my mother is so completely out of her mind right now. The fact that the conversations with her go around and around and don't make sense makes me so mad. Boiling mad. My brother and I have started to do conference calls with her that seem to help both my mom and us. When I get frustrated and start to lose my cool, my brother chimes in. And I try to do the same for him. He is much better at keeping calm and finding the right words to say.
I so badly wish she had just taken the test 5 years ago. I feel like we would be in a better place legally and medically. Now we are just playing catch up. It's like one of those nightmares where you are running away from a killer or a zombie or a ghost, but your body isn't working and you can't run fast enough. I feel like our window on preparing for the worst is closing. The "worst" is just coming no matter what we do.
Dealing with my mom right now just makes me more motivated to know my own results. As scary as it is, if I do have Huntington's Disease, I want my family to be as prepared as they possibly can be. I don't want my husband to feel as overwhelmed as I feel right now. I want to have a good relationship with doctors in place before the onset. I want to be as educated and active in the HD community as I can be.
I want a cure.
And even further,
Please let me be negative.