This week I've done a lot of sleeping and hiking and eating healthy. I got a massage. I spent some quality time with my doggy. I have a pore cleansing face mask on right now. My husband has been incredibly supportive and selfless. We are going to look at a few open houses this weekend which will be a nice distraction.
I'm not working this week. I don't think I could have functioned if I had to be a normal person in society with all of this going on. I recently left my full time job to become a freelancer. I've always been someone who thrives on change and I get anxious if I'm sticking around for too long. I felt like if I had to walk into that same office with those same people and look at that same cubical wall for one more day, I would burst. Don't get me wrong, it was a great experience and all that jazz, but it was just time to move on and get some freedom back. Now I can somewhat plan when my jobs end and begin. It will be a good thing for us when we have kids and a good thing to be more flexible for my mom.
I've been itching for the next step for my entire life. I grew up in a tiny town and went to first through twelve grade with the same 120 kids. I hated high school. I was so ready to move away and figure out what I was going to be. I finished college early in order to move to Los Angeles and start working. It wasn't because I was extremely smart or hardworking. I just felt the itch again and needed to move on.
Now, I feel like I'm caught in the in between again. Between knowing if I have HD or not. And in between taking the next steps to figure out how to help my mom. I'm so anxious to get to that next step, but, at the same time, I'm scared shitless. Until I know, every time I forget if I locked the door, I question if that gene is inside me. Is it the reason I forgot a phone number? Or am I just a normal person who forgot a phone number? I know what I'm thinking isn't rational because, even if I do have HD, I will continue to live a normal life and the onset most likely wouldn't happen for 10 to 20 years, but these are the thoughts that go through my head.
Even as I'm writing this post, I'm overanalyzing my entire life. Is the reason I've always wanted to grow up so quickly because somewhere in my subconscious I knew that I didn't have time on my side? I so badly want a baby and have felt that way for a long time. Is that need coming so soon because I want to be there for birthdays and graduations? I want our kids to know and love me and not see me as a disease.
I know this is a crazy way to think and, for the most part, I have been happy the last few days. I do feel very positive. And I'm thankful for all of the support our family has gotten. And I'm thankful for all that is great in my life. But when I decided to write this, I promised myself that I would be truthful. And being truthful isn't always positive.
I'm not good at waiting. I need to work on that.