Overall, I'm happy. I've seen better days. But I'm happy.
There are many things I'm thankful for. I have a loving, dedicated husband who is my best friend. He lets me just cry when I need to and rubs my back and is dealing with this situation so beautifuly. My friends and family are a great support system. All of the little notes and voicemails and emails make me feel loved. In the wake of the recent tragedies, I'm brought back to reality and thankful for everything that I do have.
I'm thankful that I'm working casting a show right now that gives hope to people who are feeling hopeless. In the sometimes shallow world of reality TV, it's rare to get such an opportunity to help people. Although I don't wish pain on anyone, reading through some of their heartbreaking stories makes me feel a little less alone. Their stories remind me that this is just the human journey and that heartbreak and death and illness are all a part of it.
Plus, the office allows dogs on Fridays so I get to bring my doggy to work. And that makes me happy.
I decided that I'm running a half marathon in a little over a month. I'm raising money for the Huntington's Disease Society of America and raising awareness for the disease. People have been insanely generous and it makes me so happy. I'll admit that my effort in training has been mediocre, but I'm healthy enough to run, walk or crawl across the finish line. I don't know the exact date that I will be getting my own test results back, but it will be either right before or right after the race. Whichever way the results go, running this race will mean so much in so many ways.
My brother and I just got accepted into the birthright program in Israel. We leave in August for 10 days. I thought that I'd never get to go because S is over the age limit for birthright and I wouldn't want to leave him behind. Luckily, he isn't so interested in going to Israel and understands that the trip will be an unforgettable experience for me and my brother. It's my last summer before I age out of the program and the timing couldn't be better. After going through the roller coaster of my mom's results and then my results and then my brother's results, we will need some sort of escape. I can't wait. Even though I wasn't raised religious and I honestly don't know what I believe in, I think it will put a lot of things in perspective. And being able to spend 10 consecutive days with my brother is something I'm really looking forward to.
My mom has had good days. As long as the conversation stays neutral, she is loving and sweet. I'm thankful for that. Slowly, but surely I'll get better at handling our relationship and her feelings.
With so much support and so many things to be thankful for, I wish I could say it's all sunshine and rainbows, but it isn't.
I have nightmares about being trapped inside my body unable to move or speak. In my nightmares I can't hear much more than murmurs and it's frustrating not being able to understand or have anyone understand me. And then I wake up and my mind races with all of the "what ifs".
I'm exhausted all of the time. I feel like if I let myself, my body would want to sleep for a week straight.
And throughout the day, sometimes for no reason at all, I feel that lump in my throat and I have to hold back tears.
I guess this isn't a wound that you can just put a bandaid on and feel better. It will be a process. I am thankful for so much, but honestly I'm at the lowest of lows.