This isn't a how-to. I'm not a pinterest mom. I'm a firm believer in faking it 'til you make it. This is for all the millennials out there who secretly have no idea what they're doing. I'm looking at you, millennial caregivers. 

Around and Around

As I've mentioned in my previous posts, my mom has been spewing out ridiculous lies and accusations in the last couple years or so.  For the most part, my brother and I have been spared from her ranting emails. Maybe a part of her still wanted to shield us from what she has become.

Since we've gotten her official diagnosis, I've been telling family members to please forward any emails she sends to me so I truly know what we are dealing with. 

I called her to try to reason with her. 

That was fun. 

I thought that maybe if I could calmly use logic and reason with her that she would be able to snap out of it. Maybe she would realize that these delusions she has are just that. Our conversation went around and around in circles. Each time I asked her to explain why she was feeling the way she was, she changed the subject or burst into hysterics. Honestly, at some points in the conversation her accusations were so completely ridiculous that I almost found myself laughing. And then I'd stop myself and realize it wasn't a joke at all. 

I think I needed to find out for myself if she was still in there. I wish I could have come out of that conversation with a glimmer of hope, but it just reaffirmed my fear that she is slowly losing herself. I can't stop her from feeling depressed. I can't reason with her. I need to bite my tongue. She is paranoid.  She is angry. There's no point in getting her all worked up if she isn't able to grasp reality. 

S pointed out the good news in this was that we can hopefully get her on some medication that will help with her manic behavior. It will be a struggle to convince her to take medication (she likens medication to "poison") and, if she agrees to medication, the chances of her remembering to take it are slim to nil. The other good thing about her outbursts is that anyone in their right mind who reads her emails knows that something is very, very wrong. I hope that as I continue to talk to doctors and go to support groups that I will slowly figure out a better way to handle her. 

Huntington's Disease is turning her into a shell of what she once was. I hope we will still have some good days tucked in between the bad ones.  But each time I see one of her insane emails or hear her in hysterics, I feel like she is moving further and further away from me and I'll soon be left with this "thing" I have to deal with. 

I know it isn't nice to call my own mother a "thing", but that's how I feel for the moment. She isn't the woman who raised us. She is something else entirely. So, for now, I will give up on confronting her accusations. I will let her send raving emails to the "FBI" and let her tell me that my father is a horrible criminal and let her tell others that she is homeless (although I have been to her apartment many times). I'm sure at some point I will try to reason with her again and I'll be in the same place I am now. And then I will try again and fail again. 

In the moments when I look at her and all I can see is illness, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. A little piece of me thinks, "Oh shit. This could be me." I can't let this become me. 

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